Those are the rules; obey at all costs.
The next day, my first on national television, was going smoothly. Verne and I were clicking like a car counter on a Los Angeles freeway. He would ask a question; I would answer. I never said, "What did you say, Frank?" I was rolling.
Due to a starter's time that spreads the field, there was a large gap between the group that had just walked off the 16th green and the next group that was approaching the 14th green. I had some free time, so I kicked back in the chair and read some interesting tidbits on the personal lives of the golf pros.
I was awakened from my near-catatonic state by a combination of Frank throwing the action to Verne and Verne asking me what this putt was going to do. I looked down real fast and saw nobody on the 16th green. The next group walking up the 15th fairway. What was going on?
Verne had that Nordic look of desperation as he asked me again, and Frank was starting to annoy me with, "Answer him, you culturally lost golf derelict." I looked down at the green again, and there still wasn't anybody around. Were they seeing ghosts, or was this just a ruse to excite the poor rookie caught lost in thought? After several more verbal harassments from Frank and the look of a desperate sheepdog on the face of Verne, I decided to play along with their game. I said, "Verne, this putt should be fairly fast, because it's going down the hill toward the water." Verne met my response by saying, "Boy, you were right, Gary; that putt cruised by the hole and, if he'd hit it a little harder, it would have gone down in the water."
Wait a minute!
The 16th green at Muirfield Village golf course has no water anywhere near it, except for the drinking fountain on the tee. I made the water stuff up because the boys were trying to get the rookie and I was trying to throw them a curve. It was a wild pitch.
I heard Frank say, "Throw it to 18, Verne." Then Verne looked at me with those screeching Scandinavian eyes and asked if I could respond a little quicker next time. Frank hit his button and began to verbally blast me for my "funereal response," which I took as less than congratulatory.
At this point, I realized that they weren't kidding, and we really were on the air. Oh, no! "Verne," I said, "Could you help me in my moment of conjecture and look down on the 16th green and tell me if you see anybody, or do I have to call a ghostbuster?
"Of course there's nobody there," said Verne. Now I really was confused. "Verne, if there's nobody there, why did you say the ball rolled 7 feet by the hole when I made up the thing about the water being there in the first place?" I asked, dumbfounded.
"There is water there," Verne said, with a stern look of what-in-the-heck-are-you-talking-about? on his face.
"There's no water on the 16th hole," I said.
"I know that, you idiot, but we were doing the 12th hole!"
"Wait a minute, we're doing the 12th hole also? I was told to go out to the 16th hole with you."
What had happened was that, during rehearsal, we hadn't used a camera for our other hole, the 12th, because the camera was broken. I had no way of knowing that I was supposed to be looking at the 12th hole as well as the 16th, unless I had called the Psychic Friends hotline. Confusing business, huh?
As life weaves its reckless mysteries, the par-3 12th hole at Muirfield Village has water surrounding the green. The putt had come from the top tier really fast toward the water and had gone 7 feet past the hole. I totally made something up, and it just happened to be a perfect call in this less-than-perfect business.
This is my legacy; I am bound by its structure. I cannot deny its existence. It has made me rich. I hope that I can bring you insight on how this medium works so that you can understand our chaos.
The growth in the popularity of golf over the last 40 years has been reflected in the amount of coverage the game gets on television. Christmas week may be the only time of year when you can't watch the pros teeing it up in some exotic locale. Television has embraced golf to the extent that the top players today are as well known as their counterparts in baseball, basketball, and football. In this chapter, I show you why.
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